By Micki Bare

So, you want to be a DAD. Lots of gentlemen consider the position, but only those up to the rigorous, complex challenge actually make it to the ranks of those celebrated this weekend.

Many find DAD in their biological father. Some find DAD in a step-father or favorite uncle. The technical title of the man doesn’t matter, as long as the man is willing to rise up to the challenge of DAD. Interested?

Let’s talk business.

The purpose of the position of DAD is to support and nurture young children as they grow and develop into independent adults who will promise to eventually pay back the money they only ask to borrow under extreme circumstances.

There are quite a few essential functions and responsibilities associated with the position. Please note that this list is not all-inclusive. The following will, however, provide a generic overview of the experience.

DAD must be able to withstand projectile vomiting while reassuring the infected child that he or she is not, in fact, going to die.

DAD must be able to explain, in terms that a preschooler can comprehend, the reason Snappy the turtle no longer moves and must be buried in a shoe box in the backyard. In addition, DAD must be able to distract said preschooler when Fido digs up Snappy and is found chewing on the carcass like it was a rawhide bone.

DAD must be able to evaluate pre-teen fashion for appropriateness and firmly reject articles of clothing and accessories that are better suited for entertainers in Las Vegas. DAD must also be able to recommend cool alternatives without overusing stories about fashion trends from his youth.

DAD must be able to mend broken bikes, dolls and hearts. Mending hearts can be rather tricky. While redirecting the child toward activities that distract him or her from the crushing pain of puppy love-gone-awry, eventually DAD must reassure the child that life does go on and that he or she is not, in fact, going to die.

DAD must be able to run drills in the backyard for a multitude of sports, sometimes coaching a team or two along the way. DAD must also be able to cheer at sports events in a positive manner without unleashing a string of inappropriate words and gestures toward umpires, referees and coaches.

DAD must be able to teach a child to drive a car. Not only will the child emulate all of the DAD’s driving habits he or she observed over the first fifteen years of his or her life, but he or she will have precious little control or confidence. DAD will see his life flash before his eyes, but must refrain from having a massive heart attack.

Once the child masters driving, DAD must be able to sit home and wait for the child to return from taking the car to the movies, store, skate park, school, a friend’s house and various other places. There will be times that he or she is a little late. During such times, DAD must refrain from having a massive heart attack, or giving the child one upon his or her return.

DAD must be able to, after years of nurturing, mentoring, supporting and guiding the impressionable child, let go. This is, by far, the most difficult aspect of the job. The child will make mistakes, but will eventually make it on his or her own.

The child of the DAD who put in enough hours while the child was young will be fine. If DAD does his job, he will be the one the child turns to for advice, support, comfort, a place to stay between houses and a few extra bucks between paychecks.

Supervisory responsibilities include watching over, correcting, disciplining and mentoring the child as well as his or her siblings, cousins and friends as necessary.

Fiscal responsibilities are immense. It can cost hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise a child. However, it is a worthy investment that pays back ten-fold in hugs, kisses and pride beyond anything the DAD could imagine.

The job is physically demanding. From tossing a child into the sky just to make him or her laugh, to keeping up with complex schedules, compounded by many sleepless nights, it is one of the most grueling jobs available.

The qualifications for DAD are minimal. We’re looking for males between the ages of 18 and 108. There is no age-discrimination and prior experience isn’t required. Though, a general appreciation for those under the age of 18 is a plus. Those who are easily annoyed by uncontrollable giggles and sticky chins need not apply.

This is an exempt position. During an average week, DAD is expected to put in nearly 170 hours.

Before you make a final decision, by all means, talk to an experienced DAD. And while you’re at it, wish him a very happy Father’s Day!

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Micki Bare is a columnist for the Arkansas News Bureau and the Courier-Tribune in Asheboro, N.C. She lives in Asheboro with her husband and three children. Her e-mail address is mickibare@earthlink.net